


This Then Is Vader

by Flame of Arnor (TherKnitRanger)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Headcanon, Post-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-07 22:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11633652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TherKnitRanger/pseuds/Flame%20of%20Arnor
Summary: What is Darth Vader and what does he remember?





	This Then Is Vader

The man (not-man/machine/Forceanimatedcorpse/puppet), (who was Little Ani, Son to Shmi; who became Anakin, Padawan of Obi-Wan; then Knight Skywalker of the Jedi; now “Dark Lord”and “Apprentice” of Sideous), Depur named him Vader, remembers very little of the days (months, years?) after the landing (crashing) on the _Invisible Hand_. What he/it/ **he** , does remember is fractured flashes of scenes/thoughts/memories in a whirling storm of the broken shards of the person/slave/monster he was/is. The fight to/with Dooku, Depur cajoling/ordering/Forcing Dooku’s execution, all parts of him refusing to leave his brother/Obi-Wan behind. His brother/Obi-Wan (“I am very proud of you”) leaving (please don’t go, you/I need me/you, don’t leave me behind). Feeling/seeing/feeling the deaths of the Master/not Master/Elders who went to confront Sideous (It’s a trap. My fault). Kneeling to Depur (Why? Why am I kneeling? No, I am not …)”What have I done?” The part of him that was still Ani/Knightskywalker/Anakin gaining control enough to broadcast a nonsense/code/not-code message through the droid R2-D2/bestfriend/Artoo over all the loudspeakers in the Temple, some/maybeenough/neverenough will understand. His mind/self/person collapsing/splintering/shattering under the strain/pressure/compulsion/loss when thousands of the minds he/it/he is connected to suddenly go blank/disappear from his (What happened? Appo, Jesse, Echo where…?).  
  
He distinctly sees/remembers/feels the part of him that was Anakin/KnightSkywalker/GeneralSkywalker choosing/locking out/saving his/always mine/forever my troops from being the ones to kill the Initiates. He will be the one who bears that pain/sin so that when/if/when he figures out/finds them/brings them back from whatever was done to them, his Vod’e will not have that on their souls. He also remembers Depur wanted/ordered that the babies and youngest be brought to him. Too bad some charges were mis-set blowing up/blocking the hallways to and setting off the fire suppression systems in the crèche, suffocating all inside (No, I will not! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I will remember!). He doesn’t remember (yes he does/Jocasta Nu was inside) blowing the entrances to the Archives in such a way that no one will be able to get into them without basically rebuilding that part of the Temple. Depur wanted those as well, oops. He remembers resetting the beacon to (warn off/don’t come here/it’s a trap) recall the Jedi outside the Temple. He remembers attacking Padme (I’m Sorry. Kill me. Please kill me!), but not much of the fight with his brother/Obi-Wan (“Don’t do it! I have the high ground!”). He remembers the pain, “I loved you!” “I hate you!” (no I don’t. Kill me. I deserve/need/want to die. I love you. I’m sorry.).  
  
He remembers dying. He remembers not dying. He remembers pain. “It seems in your anger you killed her.” This is a lie; he knows this is a lie because he feels her energy/life force/soul around him always. He remembers feeling his troopers/ vod’e/people come back to themselves and know what they had done under orders (“Good soldiers follow orders.” Oh, Tup, Fives I’m so sorry, I remember now. I was made to forget.) just before they are ‘reconditioned’(Depur is a cruel hateful monster, who revels in their pain). He knows the original designations/names of all the troopers assigned to him, what’s left of his 501st and his brothers/Obi-Wan’s 212th (Appo, Cody, Echo, Jesse...I’m Sorry. I failed you). He remembers Mortis (Why? I could have, would have stopped it).  
  
He knows who came back and Remembers, if only in the deepest part of his mind, where Little Ani still lives, who did not (Bly, Gree, Cody, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.). In that deepest part of him he holds/hides/buries the connections he still has to those who did not Fall and are not dead. He hopes, but does not believe because the world is cruel (he forgot that, he will not forget again), that Wolfe died with his General/Buir/Master Koon. He knows Rex is still alive out there and was never blank/gone/notRex. He knows his Commander/Padawan/sister is still out there and alive (She abandoned me/No she didn’t/Don’t come back, it’s/I’m not safe.). He knows his killer/Master/Obi-Wan/brother is alive somewhere. And buried deep down in the smallest deepest part of him that is still the child of the sands, (the part that is deeply angry with/resents Qui-Gon Jinn , not for dying on him, but for damaging Obi-Wan/his brother so badly that he could never give him/express/accept the love that he needed/wanted/had) he thinks/believes/knows his child/children?/daughter/son still must live or he would have died/stayed dead/not be , for he/she/it/they must have been the anchor that Depur used to bind him away from death, while Padme’s life force was used to Force his body/corpse to live/not die/chain him to life. He knows he has never been free.  
  
This man (not-man/machine/Forceanimatedcorpse/puppet) Vader does not remember much after the Invisible Hand. There is not much of a person left to remember anything. The being/body/puppet is a flesh-droid running on the, let’s call it programming of a slave and the Forced orders of he/it/his Depur. This programming has access to the brokenshards/whirlingsandstorm/piecesofaperson/memories of Ani/PadawanAnakin/JediKnightSkywalker but isn’t really a person. He hasn’t been a person since the deaths of the Jedi/Order 66/the sudden ripping away of minds from his which shattered his psyche. All that is left is the obedience and base cunning of a slave. All those around him, (Cody/not-Cody, Echo/not-Echo, Mon Mothma, Bail Organa…) who knew him, who know who he was, don’t understand. A trained Jedi (or any Force user really, pity they are all dead/gone/hiding) could tell them. Vader is a broiling sea/sandstorm/inferno of pain/hate/rage/despair a Force-created slave/flesh-droid/puppet/weapon made by layers Force compulsions, loss, and pain, kept alive by stolen life force. Perhaps if some or all of the Force compulsions were broken, and he was allowed to heal, he might be Ani/PadawanAnakin/JediKnightSkywalker again. But that will never happen, Depur will not allow it.


End file.
